Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Just.....just..... say it

I feel like I have my hand securely placed over my own mouth, with a few dabs of super glue.  I have been eagerly awaiting and painfully postponing this post for awhile.  I feel like I'm a jumble of emotions about this, just kinda happy/yucky!  Nuts, I know.

OK, here it is,  WE ARE ADOPTING AGAIN!  Alright it's out now.  Family knows, some close friends know.  We and God know most importantly.

Why am I so emotional about this?  Because this is a HUGE leap of faith on our part.  I've spoken a little about our issues with our adopted son Nathaniel but what I haven't clearly expressed is the extreme stress that his yet undiagnosed (but momma has a hunch) emotional state has brought upon him first and the rest of the family second.  We really thought we were done adopting....FOREVER.  But, God had other plans.

Last summer he quietly spoke to my heart about opening our family to another little one, I shared this with my husband who thought I was CRAZY!   I thought I was crazy too.  I asked him to pray with me about this and he did.  I also shared with him the ladybug in adoption thing, you know, the stories you hear in the adoption community about how God gives you a ladybug as a sign of hope during your wait.  Well Bob thought I was a little crazy about this too but guess what, he was bombarded with lady bugs.  I mean it was almost obnoxious in a wonderful, God could never be obnoxious but He almost was, sort of way.  Every time the guy walked out the door he saw a ladybug or he would walk in the house with one on him, all. summer. long.  Was this enough, nope, Bob needed more time to pray so pray we did.

Fast forward to this Fall.  I really had decided that we were not going to adopt.  I let it go.  I was so tired of being at odds with my husband over this subject and there was always a sense of stress plus add Nate's behavior to the mix and I thought "We really do have our hands full, thank you very much, not gonna happen!"   It was November 28th and we had just set up the Christmas tree, I went in and sat down on the couch in the other room while Bob cleaned up the pine needles-- ha, see how I get outta work around my house ; ).  While I was nursing I was over come with a sense of urgency about adopting.  I yelled at God - well, in my head,  and I told him to LEAVE ME ALONE!!!   I told him I had done the best I could to change my husband's heart again towards adoption INCLUDING fasting for him and I was done, DONE I TELL YOU.   I told God IT'S NOT ME YOU HAVE TO CONVINCE, IT'S THE  GUY IN THE OTHER ROOM SWEEPING UP PINE NEEDLES, LEAVE ME THE HECK ALONE!!!!  Then I hung up the phone on Him, yep I really did.

I finished nursing Isaac, stood up and walked into the kitchen and Bob walked in and said "you'll never believe what just happened, I just swept up a ladybug!"  He had the dustpan in his hand and there she was, walking around among the pine needles, all happy and gift from God like.  Well, I burst into tears and told him what had just happened.  He said "We need to really pray about this." and then I choked him because Helloooo, that's what I've been doing.  Needless to say I found another ladybug the next day and thanked God for that sign of hope for ME, the sinner that just yelled and hung up on Him.

We prayed and we prayed and we prayed. My daughter's Grace and Noelle prayed every single night quietly to themselves for 30 days straight and didn't breath a word of it to their daddy. On Valentine's day he finally said "lets start the paper work."  So we officially started our second adoption February 2010.  Miracles do happen, never underestimate the powerful prayers of a child!

Can I just say we are scared, scared I tell ya.  We love our son Nate so much and are working so hard to help him heal as well as heal ourselves but his adoption has really been traumatic at times for ALL of us.  So that's where the leap of faith comes into play.  We didn't have a fairytale, awesome, tell the whole world "GO ADOPT"  type of adoption.  Do we fiercly love Nathaniel: YES. Will we work our tushies off to help him heal and pray thousands of blessings over that boy?   ALWAYS.

We are fully prepared to have another child with the same emotional traumas as Nate has, we have simply said "Yes."  But, I am praying for God to have mercy on us and to again prepare us for what our new little one will bring.

We ALL are the Body of Christ.  We have felt His hands holding us through this journey through others in our life.  The prayers of family and friends, the hands on help we have recieved in those dark times.  We all make up His Body even in our brokeness because it's through our brokeness and weakness that our eyes SEARCH for HIM.

So, we are adopting we JOYFULLY and FAITHFULLY declare!!